The Ten Most Annoying People You Will Meet on Social Media This Week

The Ten Most Annoying People You Will Meet on Social Media This Week.

The Ten Most Annoying People You Will Meet on Social Media This Week

1. The Passive-Aggressive Poster. This may be the person I want to punch in the throat more than any other person on social media. If you have a problem with someone, tell them. Don’t post vague, whiny “You know who you are and you know what you did and I can’t believe you did that to me. Ugh. Some people will never learn!” Sweetheart, I am putting you, the passive-aggressive poster, on notice that all of your network gives zero shits about your vague angsty 90210 type drama. In fact, scrolling on by right now.

2. The One-Upper (aka, the Know It All). “I am so sick. I think I have Ebola.” I’m sure you’ve seen someone post this somewhere in the past month and you rolled your eyes. But you’ve probably also seen something in the comments of that same post that made you roll your eyes even more. For example, “I know, right?!? I remember this one time my parents took me on an African Safari and even though I was vaccinated for malaria, I got bit by a mosquito and the tribal doctor in the village we stayed in after our tour group was ravaged by a pack of gazelles told my parents I might have Diphtheria AND Malaria. OMG! So scary, right? I’m sure you’re fine, though. Let me know if you need anything! We’ve all been there!” Or something like that. You get my drift, right?

3. Woe Is Me Joe. This person is a country song waiting to be written. “I lost my wife, my kids, my job, and I am pretty sure I have cancer. Why can’t anything ever go my way?” Ok. Ick. If you feel the need to post this all over social media, then maybe you should seek out a therapist. They could teach you that chronic over sharing and pity parties lead to low self-esteem, which leads to wife loss.

4. Super Soccer Mom. This woman makes me tired. She’s the one who has Billy and Jane in every activity under the sun, which isn’t surprising, because she coaches them all, chairs the PTA, is room mom for both kids’ classes, has a full time job, AND builds houses for Habitat For Humanity in her spare time. This bitch has to go. I barely have time to flat iron my hair and she makes me look bad. Or realistically, she’s crazy and overcompensating for something.

5. Drama Mama. She may appear to be the wife of “Woe Is Me, Joe,” but she’s not. She’s so. Much. Worse. Drama Mama is that mommy dearest that cannot believe that anyone would have the audacity to question her parenting skills, because Mommy Knows Best for little Sally and the world be damned if they question her. “Oh! So at dance rehearsal, some b!t@h had the nerve to ask me why I put full make-up on Sally for rehearsals! Like she doesn’t know that there are scouts here looking for the next little Miss Corn Field. Huff!” Just step away from the hole. Do not comment. Do not favorite, like, star, retweet, or share this post. Trust me. You’ll thank me later.

6. Chicken Little. The sky is falling! The sky is falling! You know this guy (or girl), don’t you? S/he is the one who takes everything they read on far left or far right media outlets, some of which even state on their website home pages that they’re fake, and repost them on FB, decrying the downfall of America. For the love of all things holy, use Snopes, people! Just because you read it on the internet doesn’t make it true. And that’s a direct quote from Thomas Jefferson. I saw that on the Internet.

7. The Work Out Machine. We’ve all seen this person posting about their latest meal, workout, decathlon, whatever. And that’s all they post about. Not only do they make me feel bad while I am sitting there drinking my coffee and eating my doughnut, but their constant “I’m running in place while steaming broccoli and growing my own okra” rants make me want to wing a cupcake at their head. Don’t get me wrong. Good for you for channeling your inner Richard Simmons, but save that stuff for your closed fitness groups.

8. The Chronic Defriender. This one may be the most annoying of all social media contract violators. These are the people who get all butthurt when you post something that they assume is about them (these people often cross over to the Passive Agressive Poster) and defriend you without inquiring about the root of the alleged offending post. Before you even notice they have defriended you, they’ve sent you another friend request, claiming that they “accidentally” defriended you. Fast forward three months and butt hurt Billy has done it again, this time because you dared disparage his favorite fantasy football player on a Sunday afternoon. Do your sanity a favor and don’t accept that friend request after the third accidental defriending. Just don’t.

9. The Compliment Troller. Ahhhhh…. This person is craving attention like no other. “Apparently I look out of place at ‘Hustler.’ Employees keep asking me if I need assistance. ” Or, the always awkward, “Why can I find a boyfriend? I’m tall, have big boobs, have a full time job, and can cook. Why am I still single???” I’ll give you a clue, honey. Read that last post you made and stop it.

10. The Ebola Nazi. This person right here wins the internet this week for the most annoying person, ever. Sure, Ebola is here. And it’s about as likely that you’ll get that as it is that you will get herpes by standing close to someone who sneezes and happened to have chicken pox twenty years ago. Ok, maybe a little more likely than that, but not by much. If you get nothing else from this list, take away this factoid: You are about as likely to get Ebola from reading this post as you are going out into the general public. Put away your Hazmat suit and go defriend me right now because I probably offended you with this list. And PS, I already had Ebola so you don’t scare me.*

*The author did NOT have Ebola and her use of hyperbole may give you Ebola. The CDC is researching it as we speak.